“life will be better in spring”

June 2012 July 2012

Hello! Currently feeling tired and blah x.x Not feeling like myself, but that's alright. Today was fun! To say the least. Okay, party wasn't all that great, escaped halfway after Mrs. W came up and asked me why I wasn't dancing & singing then I was like O_O So I decided to run off to find my dear Pang san <3 And say hi to many others who were like playing games in their classes! Lol.

With the people I love--

LX's mask thingy! So pweddy~~

Chocolate muffin  from Starbucks! mmmmm~

Random doggy-and-bear-cuddling-in-a-cowboy-hat pic. Cute, no?!?!

Alright so it was quite nice having a tai-tai afternoon in Starbucks with SF & GG, I think we should have more of these tai-tai afternoons lololol. Life honestly felt great then, laughing & chatting with people I truly am comfortable with :) Though the moment I got home I felt like dying because I realised that I'm only left with 3 miserable days to the first paper )': Seriously. Sigh.

I guess I can't really put what I'd felt today (the not-so-happy part) in words, but I shall try. Hmmm. Let's see.. Pushing negativity away forcefully, but not being able to overcome it most of the time? Thinking that you've done a great job in hiding behind a mask, but realizing that you are actually as vulnerable as ever. Feeling like a lost jigsaw piece. Don't fit in. Out of place. Bare. Empty. Suffocation. Escape. People I love. Relief. True self emerges. Back to that place. Mask put back on by default. Fake, too smiley, too obliging. Cannot wait for the end to be near. Absolutely cannot.


You can try making sense of the chunk I'd typed above, or push it away and take it as my occasional nonsense, just because.


I suppose I do come across as quite a weirdo sometimes, since I find it awkward to smile at everyone and anyone, especially those whom I'm not even close with. Just mere acquaintances. But everybody else seems to be able to do that, with much ease. Am I being too cold? Too unfeeling? Or am I just being me.


Today is BYD, but ironically, when I was in that place, I did not feel much like myself. At all. This is not a new feeling, haven't I been like that for the past one and a half year? I'd grown so accustomed to that, I am almost immune. But why is it that I had felt so haunted, so lost today? What happened to the mask I'd been hiding behind all this while.


A little more than 4 months left, all will be fine
I have faith

Have a good weekend! xoxo