“life will be better in spring”

June 2012 July 2012

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY. LIEK FINALLY. HELLO.

Today is not a good day, at all. I'm not going to bother kidding myself into believing that everything will be fine, eventually. To hell with the-- what-- 船到桥头自然直. That, I'm not sorry to say, is just bullcrap. Nothing becomes alright on its own. Nothing. Unless you are a boat/ship that is. Lol.

Many days have passed, like that, sometimes I wonder if I'm being too... I'm minding too much, shutting up too much, not caring too much. But you, you are so unpredictable. Which is probably why I find myself shutting up the moment I see you. Racking my brains to find something to start a stupid conversation, but always giving up, because.

I think I'm so silent these days, I'm scaring myself.


Lesson learnt, these lonely days- independence. Rely on no one, because no one is reliable.

Why was I a little, just a little surprised when I heard that. All that you've been saying, all that you've been stabbing. I mean, ouch. I can understand if you just want to be the "authoritative" one, and you hate people who aren't committed. Okay, just continue hating. But there's really no need for such shameless behavior. You asked her, why am I like this nowadays. Surprised once more. You actually had the NERVE to ask that. Like, wow. You mean to say that you've forgotten, cleanly forgotten what you've done? This is what I really call 卑鄙. You think you can get away with doing that? You are very mistaken if you think I'm still obliged to give you encouraging smiles, kind words, random expressions. Very mistaken.

我很倔强
虽然苦涩
但我忍
忍
依然是心头上的一把刀


I'm hurt, yes. I want to hug a tree and cry till I go blind, yes. I... I don't want to crawl out of bed every morning, just to face this... crap. Choosing this, 2 years ago, was a huge mistake. So huge, I couldn't even find anything comforting/good out of it, just to seek some solace. Regretted, hated, accepted. Not that much time left anyway. I will get through this. I will. 




I've been wondering about this, but it might have been a mistake to make that decision... 4 years ago. But heck. I'm nearing the end. The sweet sweet end. Even if the next 2 years won't bring me much to be happy about, I'm alright. I just need a break. A long long break. Where I don't have to be there, that place

Exhausted after typing this exhausting post
Concert tomorrow, I'm not prepared, I'm strangely composed
On a much brighter note I'll be able to meet my dear sisters tomorrow
You guys.. make me smile, laugh, love, more than I've ever done in a lifetime



BLOCKS ARE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay that was random. In fact even after the last paper was over (lit) it didn't feel like party time, at all. Something feels wrong. It's like the blocks ended on the wrong note or something. And I don't feel a single bit accomplished, knowing how the grades might turn out to be like -_- But I figure that I'll deal with that later! I can finally rest for a bit without that bad panicky feeling~~ :)

Lunch with J at Mos today! Had my usual fish burger, it's funny how I only order fish burgers when I dine at Mos. Lol. But anyway, very fulfilling lunch because we were chatting about quite a lot of... epic stuff! Haha. Shhhh.

I WANT A LONG BREAK NOW BUT I STILL HAVE 7 STUPID WEEKS TO SEPT HOLS AND THIS IS BAD BECAUSE A LOT WILL HAPPEN IN THESE 7 STUPID WEEKS AND ALL HELL WILL PROBABLY BREAK LOOSE BECAUSE, SIMPLY BECAUSE, I WON'T GET ENOUGH REST.

Sigh. I'm exhausted.

I had a nice dream last night. It felt so magical, so surreal, I didn't want to wake up.

Ironically, at the same time, the dream felt so real that when I woke up, it felt like my heart was stolen away from me.
I felt so empty, so lost.

Oh well. Back to reality.
Last 2 papers tomorrow, FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!

I'm annoyed. Very very annoyed.



Comment please! :)

My life is blah and I currently don't feel like doing anything (not even singing -_-), and this is bad because for the hundredth and one time, BLOCKS START TOMORROW AND I'M SUPPOSED TO ME MUGGING... LIKE A VERY ENTHUSIASTIC MUG. 

Hello all~ I just happen to have this sudden urge to blog (even though I'm not supposed to, I HAVE LIKE LESS THAN 2 DAYS LEFT TO THE FIRST PAPER HMPH) so here I am. *waves*

And because I'm so vain and hope you guys will give me more comments on my singing, here is the cover I did some time back:




Turn up the volume because my voice is kinda soft at the front :| Alright, have a good Sunday! Or whatever that's left of it. I'm so thankful that there's no school tomorrow. Lol.

xoxo

Hello! Currently feeling tired and blah x.x Not feeling like myself, but that's alright. Today was fun! To say the least. Okay, party wasn't all that great, escaped halfway after Mrs. W came up and asked me why I wasn't dancing & singing then I was like O_O So I decided to run off to find my dear Pang san <3 And say hi to many others who were like playing games in their classes! Lol.

With the people I love--

LX's mask thingy! So pweddy~~

Chocolate muffin  from Starbucks! mmmmm~

Random doggy-and-bear-cuddling-in-a-cowboy-hat pic. Cute, no?!?!

Alright so it was quite nice having a tai-tai afternoon in Starbucks with SF & GG, I think we should have more of these tai-tai afternoons lololol. Life honestly felt great then, laughing & chatting with people I truly am comfortable with :) Though the moment I got home I felt like dying because I realised that I'm only left with 3 miserable days to the first paper )': Seriously. Sigh.

I guess I can't really put what I'd felt today (the not-so-happy part) in words, but I shall try. Hmmm. Let's see.. Pushing negativity away forcefully, but not being able to overcome it most of the time? Thinking that you've done a great job in hiding behind a mask, but realizing that you are actually as vulnerable as ever. Feeling like a lost jigsaw piece. Don't fit in. Out of place. Bare. Empty. Suffocation. Escape. People I love. Relief. True self emerges. Back to that place. Mask put back on by default. Fake, too smiley, too obliging. Cannot wait for the end to be near. Absolutely cannot.


You can try making sense of the chunk I'd typed above, or push it away and take it as my occasional nonsense, just because.


I suppose I do come across as quite a weirdo sometimes, since I find it awkward to smile at everyone and anyone, especially those whom I'm not even close with. Just mere acquaintances. But everybody else seems to be able to do that, with much ease. Am I being too cold? Too unfeeling? Or am I just being me.


Today is BYD, but ironically, when I was in that place, I did not feel much like myself. At all. This is not a new feeling, haven't I been like that for the past one and a half year? I'd grown so accustomed to that, I am almost immune. But why is it that I had felt so haunted, so lost today? What happened to the mask I'd been hiding behind all this while.


A little more than 4 months left, all will be fine
I have faith

Have a good weekend! xoxo